Confessions and Realizations
by MidnightWhisper7
Summary: Hikaru thinks there might be some use for this journal thing. On becoming a man that Haruhi would respect.


**Confessions and Realizations**

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**Notes: **Hikaru used to be my least favorite host club member, but since then he's really grown on me. We don't get to see as many of his thoughts as Kaoru, so I wanted to get in his head a little more and first person seemed to be the way to do it. It was fun not only as a writing exercise but also because I realized that I have some things in common with him. This was written for the prompt "Better."

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Haruhi didn't pick me. Er wait, I was going to start this out differently, but I guess that's the only thing on my mind lately. I can't believe I'm even keeping a journal. Bossa Nova said it always helps him figure things out, but Kaoru's the one who's better with words, not me. I don't even know if Kaoru has a journal. That's just one more thing that makes us different, I guess. I used to worry about it, us being different, but I think I've realized now that we can't share everything. Like Haruhi. Anyway, I figured this might help me work out these crazy thoughts of mine, as if looking at them written down will get them to start making sense.

Back to Haruhi. I was pissed about it for a while, the way she and Milord would _look _at each other. As if sparkles and roses would start popping up all around them. Ugh. She's not the touchy-feely sort, not in public anyway, but she's still way too nice around him, and of course he's even more excruciatingly attentive to her than he used to be. But I guess I wasn't really surprise that they got together. Maybe it was obvious from the beginning. I know _I_ didn't expect to fall in love, especially not with that sloppy girl who wandered into the music room all that time ago. Just thinking about her clothes and the state of her hair that day. And those _glasses. _What was I thinking, falling in love with a girl like that? What were we all thinking? I don't think a single one of us was free from her influence, in one way or another. Not that I realized it then.

So Haruhi and Milord became the Romantic Comedy Duo. I know that Kaoru could tell I wasn't happy, with the looks he kept giving me. I don't know if he gave her up for me or how deep his feelings for her ever were, but even if I tried to smile he wouldn't have been fooled by it. I think that everyone else was just relieved that it was finally over. Kyouya-sempai had this superior smirk on his face as if he knew they would get together all along and didn't he have so much to put up with from both of them and their obliviousness? Did I mention that Hunny-sempai and Mori-sempai were there, too? Hunny-sempai must have worried about me, because he asked me later how I felt about it. I didn't really have anything to say, I just said something like "Good for them." I wanted Haruhi to like me, sure, but I also want her and Milord to be happy. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually do care about them. I think Kaoru feels the same way. I talked to him about it when we were in the car on the way home and he said I was "growing up so fast." Jerk. If he wasn't my brother I'd punch him. Thinks he knows everything, like _he _wasn't just as bad a few years ago.

Now we get to the part where I try to "admit my mistakes" and acknowledge my inner sensitivity, or whatever. Okay, so there was a point when I was holding onto Haruhi too closely. But someone like her doesn't come along all that often, so you can't really blame me. Especially when I'd never met a girl who I actually cared about before. She's just so different than the girls I'm used to, and she accepts us. Accepts me, even though I know I'm not exactly the greatest person to be around sometimes. I started to think she was cute, even though her lack of care for her appearance pains me as a man of fashion. And she had that uncanny knack of turning those big brown eyes on you and seeming to see through you. I mean, no one else could win our game the way she did, without guessing at all. That was what got me about her at first, but I also started to respect her for who she is, her personality even with its flaws, beyond just being someone else who could enter our world.

You'd think that I'd be angry at Milord for getting Haruhi's heart and all that. Well, yeah, I am a little. But even though Milord is the most irritating person sometimes, he was also the first one who tried to really get to know us. He never gave up and that got to us. Everyone else just left us alone when we wouldn't talk to them, but he kept at it, the way only Milord could. He's still the biggest idiot I've ever known, and believe me, I've known a lot of idiots. Then again, I might be almost as much of an idiot for not figuring out how I felt about Haruhi sooner. Kaoru actually had to tell me, because even with all the jealousy and anger I was feeling, I still wasn't getting it. Not that I'd ever really had the opportunity to feel that way for anyone before. That was a rough time. I couldn't understand what Kaoru was thinking and I was pissed off by Haruhi paying attention to Milord and couldn't figure out why. It was worse than when she got all familiar with that Arai guy in Karuizawa, except this time I was more confused than angry. But I actually managed to figure out a way to fix things with Kaoru. I could tell that Mori-sempai was proud of me. I was surprised that he believed in me the way he did. I mean, I'm not exactly known for doing mature and responsible things. Then again, who knew that all it would take for me and Kaoru to be close again was a bottle of hair dye? I'm not so bothered anymore that we might be different in some ways. I mean, I used to lean on him. I needed to stand close to him and know that he was supporting me. Maybe it didn't seem like it, since I was always the more outgoing one, but I think I depended on him more than he depended on me. I couldn't function too well on my own, and he didn't exactly have that problem. So I want to be able to have my own opinions, and like things that are different than what he likes. He'll always mean a lot to me, but we don't have to cut ourselves off from everyone else anymore. I think that's one thing that Haruhi helped me to learn. Just because me and Kaoru are twins doesn't mean we have to be so co-dependent and exclusionary. We can be our own people and still be close.

I couldn't really understand what Haruhi saw in Milord. But when I really thought about it, I realized that they actually do have some things in common. Haruhi's words will put a knife in your heart, even if she doesn't mean to, but she means well, and she always tries to help people out. She's not selfish, and she has a way of understanding people. Milord's kinda like that too. Dumb as a brick and shallow on the surface, but he has a limitless amount of faith in others, and he can be smart in a really surprising way. He made a place for us in the club, and he knew what it would take to get us to agree. As much as I hate to admit it, they go together. I guess she's had a lot of practice with her dad and all. She can deal with Milord's dramatics better than anyone else except maybe for Kyouya-sempai. Speaking of our Shadow King, I've kind of realized that he depends on Milord in some ways, too. I never would have even realized it or understood why they were friends when they were so different if it weren't for Haruhi helping me to see everyone in a new light. We all have something to gain from Milord's friendship, and he deserves some happiness of his own. I think Haruhi can give him what none of the rest of us can. And I don't mean anything perverted by that, okay? She can relate to him better than us.

So that just leaves me. Hikaru, who doesn't know how to relate to anyone except Kaoru. Who _is _selfish, and sometimes mean, and yeah, a little bit conceited. Sometimes I say things just to get a rise out of people, and I've only started to learn how to control my feelings and realize that other people in the world besides me and Kaoru matter. I guess this has been an opportunity for me to look at my life a little critically. "Self-realization" is what it's called, I think, or maybe "introspection." Kaoru would probably know, with all the books he brings home from the library. Maybe that could be one way to improve myself. There must be something in those books that's worth reading, if Kaoru and Haruhi and Kyouya-sempai and Milord and even Mori-sempai like them so much.

I don't want to be selfish Hikaru anymore, or blind idiot Hikaru, or sheltered-from-the-world Hikaru. I know I don't have a chance with Haruhi, but I want to become the kind of person that maybe she _would _have liked. I mean, as much as I may not have wanted to see it at first, she _is _a girl, right? There must be other girls like her, out there somewhere. Girls who would accept me. And I don't have to worry about them not being able to tell me and Kaoru apart, because I'm not planning to go back to my original hair color anytime soon. Maybe there will be one more girl, then another, not to mention the friends we make, until our world is so big that it includes everyone. Maybe we'll actually be normal. As normal as our twisted selves can be, anyway.

I can be a better person. I have Kaoru on my side, of course. But I bet Haruhi would think I can do it. And Milord and Hunny-sempai and Mori-sempai. Maybe even Kyouya-sempai would say it's a profitable endeavor.

Right. This journal thing actually does help. I might even keep it up for a while. But right now I can hear Kaoru calling me and I don't want him to know about this 'cause he'd probably go all Jungian on me again. So we'll just keep this a secret for now, and I'll have a written reminder of my Major Life Goal. Wish me luck, 'cause I'm probably gonna need it.

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End file.
